310524 lip service

been feeling kinda introspective lately! i love coming back to cygnet every now and then because it reminds me of different bits of life ive experienced since this site's genesis. i've really come a long way... im sitting in a library now overlooking a lush park and i could honestly not be more at peace. i know i havent updated in a month and to be honest my ambitions for cygnet have dulled a bit since then bc ive been preoccupied with my other hobbies and academics. but! im still incredibly attached to this site and i promise ill keep coming back to decorate this space and tend to the garden well.

honestly coming to a new school, meeting new people and talking with them has made me realise how blessed i am to have such a stable life. like i can very sincerely say that i am 100% grateful for so many things in my life!! my emotional regulation has been surprisingly steady + ive been coping well with a lot of my commitments. i also feel more independent and self-reliant... i compartmentalise much better now and my outlook on many things have changed. some of you may remember the entry i wrote last year about someone who hurt me badly. well 2 weeks ago i reached out to her and got closure :") i feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders! i think that experience really made me grow up and think more maturely... we're on okay terms now and im glad i had the courage to do it for myself

i think ive also recently come to realise how lucky i am that im the way i am. honestly so many of my classmates are not coping (with a much lower level of commitments at that) and i could easily have been one of them ngl. but ive been on top of my work and keeping up with everything i wanna do! i dont think i have any major 2024 regrets yippee and im actually doing things i enjoy!!! like it makes me kinda emotional fsr lol but i really am so passionate about all the subjects i take and my extracurriculars and everything i do in my free time. im really so privileged to be doing things i love and im so grateful for that!!!!!

but knowing this i also feel a bit guilty for doing things that quite obviously sap my energy when i could be doing more valuable stuff... i scroll way too much for someone who has much better things to do lol but ill keep striving to be my best self

so today when i get home i will be productive and do productive things trust. ill make my june to do list + goals and do some of my overdue lectures.

- j